Today was one of those mornings.

Gus got up with Ben, fed him, and put him back down in his crib to play while Mommy caught up on a little sleep. I could hear him playing over the monitor - he has a colorful caterpillar that he'll pull on, suck, and talk to in his crib. Mr. Caterpillar obviously just wasn't cutting it this morning because after about five minutes, I heard a pitiful whine start up from the monitor. Since we really didn't need to be up for another half hour, I got out of bed, picked up Ben from his crib (he'd tossed Mr. C to the other side of the crib...maybe Mr. C had offended him with evil remarks about his diapers), and took him back into bed with me. He happily played with my fingers while I dozed a bit more.

In about five minutes, we'd both fallen back asleep. A cold February morning, warm blankets, and a sleeping baby right next to me...what else could I want?

So it sucked when I awoke with a start fifteen minutes later and realized I had to get us both up and ready to go - B to the baby-sitter, and me to work. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to do anything but lay there and soak in the sweetness of my little boy. Watch his sleeping face.

I've never been the type to want to be a stay-at-home-mom. I admire them, but I've never thought I could do it. Even on my maternity leave, the days were dragging into one another and I was happy to get back to the office. We're not supposed to admit that, no mother should ever admit that. But I was. It made picking him up every day even sweeter because I knew he was safe and happy, and we were both doing something we enjoyed.

But now...now that he's learning something new and amazing every day...now that he recognizes me and holds out his arms to me to be picked up...now that I realize how fleeting his babyhood really is...I find myself desperately wanting to be home with him all the time. And it hurts more than I ever expected that it can't happen. I never thought I'd be the one saying that.

He stayed with his grandparents yesterday, thanks to the desperate cold we've been having here closing school, and when I walked into their house to pick him up, he saw me. The biggest smile crossed his face when he realized I'd come home, an expression of absolute joy. And it both broke my heart and thrilled me at the same time.

I know he's happy. I know he loves going to his baby-sitter's house. I'm lucky in that I enjoy my job and my co-workers. But for the first time, I've found myself wishing that things could be different. Unfortunately, since I know things won't change right now, I have to suck it up and deal. Maybe someday, I'll be able to stay home, but someday, he won't be this age.

That's the most bitter pill to swallow.